Adult Children of Dysfunctional Family Systems

At DWC we work with adults who are facing relational or emotional challenges that stemmed from a childhood with inadequate parenting.   Good enough parenting involves 5 “pillars” of attachment that contribute to a child’s sense of worth, supporting a healthy transition to adulthood and adult-relationships.    These 5 pillars of attachment are:

  • Comfort

  • Protection

  • Attunement

  • Delighting in child’s existence  

  • Celebrating child’s unique attributes and interests – encouraging exploration 

There can be many reasons that parents cannot consistently provide the 5 pillars of attachment, including mental health struggles, unprocessed trauma, generational trauma, emotional immaturity, or personality disorders such as narcissism or borderline.  

With inadequate, abusive, or neglectful parenting, the child may turn the blame inward and not be able to identify that parents were or are part of the problem, thus increasing shame and depression.    

Therapy includes a review and re-narration of one’s own story with increased empathy and compassion for their younger selves, increasing awareness and insight of their symptom development.  Then, time will be spent rebuilding and practicing skills of secure attachment, allowing for integration of internal messages of worth and self-soothing.  Finally, any related trauma will be reprocessed using EMDR or alternative methods for trauma reprocessing.  

Signs you were raised by emotionally immature or unhealthy parents:

  • When things were not going their way they coped in unhealthy, or child-like behavior - such as anger outbursts, silent treatment, blaming others, lashing out, emotional punishment

  • When, as a child, you experienced difficulties and tried to share, your parent always made it about themselves or maintained themselves as the primary victim (I had it worse than you).  

  • Parents did not respect appropriate parent/child boundaries – meaning they confided in you about adult topics and problems.  Parents put you in adult roles that you weren’t developmentally old enough for, thus creating high anxiety.  Later this can look like resentment or resisting of “adulting”.  

  • Parents exposed you to unhealthy people and put their own needs over your best interests (example – prioritizing their dating life and not considering whether it was healthy for you). 

  • Parents needs always came first 

  • Parents invalidated your experiences 

  • Parents present with attitude that you “owe them,” cannot fault them, or that you need to sacrifice for them because they sacrificed to have you or raise you (evoking shame)

  • Parents expect child to be their world and them to be their child’s world.  Jealousy or punishment for prioritizing other things/people.