Codependency, Love Addiction, and How EMDR Therapy Supports Recovery
Recently in the Spotlight: Elizabeth Gilbert’s Story
Recently, Elizabeth Gilbert—best known as the author of Eat, Pray, Love (2010)—released All the Way to the River, a memoir that explores her intimate journey through codependency and love addiction. The book chronicles the profound transition she made after leaving her marriage to care for and ultimately marry her dying best friend, who struggled with significant substance use issues.
Gilbert’s story brings a deeply personal lens to patterns of codependency and love addiction—dynamics first brought into mainstream awareness by Pia Mellody, a pioneer in the field of addiction recovery and childhood trauma, and the author of Facing Codependence and Facing Love Addiction.
At Denver Wellness Counseling, we integrate the power of EMDR therapy with attachment resourcing and parts-work to help clients heal from these painful relational cycles. Our approach supports individuals in breaking free from maladaptive attachment patterns such as codependency and love addiction, while building healthier pathways toward secure, fulfilling relationships.
What Do We Mean by Codependency?
“Codependency” gets tossed around casually, but in a clinical recovery context it points to relationship patterns organized around rescuing, managing, fixing, or caretaking others at the cost of one’s own needs and reality.
Common features include:
Over-focus on others: monitoring moods, walking on eggshells, putting partners’ feelings first
Difficulty identifying needs or asking for support
Boundary confusion: either no boundaries (fusion) or rigid walls (withdrawal)
Self-esteem tethered to external feedback: “I’m okay if you’re okay with me.”
Control strategies: advice-giving, nagging, perfectionism, or people-pleasing to maintain “peace”
Tolerating mistreatment: minimizing red flags, rationalizing broken promises
Anxiety, shame, and compulsivity around connection
From a trauma-informed lens, codependency is not a character flaw; it’s a survival adaptation learned in families where a child had to earn love, keep the peace, or become “needed” to feel secure.
Pia Mellody’s Frame: Love Addiction, Love Avoidance, and Developmental Immaturity
Pia Mellody’s work (popularized through her treatment model at The Meadows) describes a developmental immaturity that unfolds when children grow up with enmeshment, neglect, shaming, or boundaries that are too loose or too rigid. Out of these conditions grow love addiction and love avoidance, two sides of the same coin.
Love Addiction
Core experience: “I can’t be okay without you.” The partner becomes a regulator for self-esteem, emotional stability, and basic safety.
Fantasy bond: Falling in love with potential, idealizations, or intermittent reinforcement rather than the reality of the person.
Withdrawal panic: When distance happens, the nervous system spikes—leading to chasing, pleading, over-contacting, or accepting poor treatment to avoid abandonment.
Core wound: Neglect, emotional abandonment, or inconsistent caregiving, which imprints a belief like “I’m unlovable unless I perform, chase, or cling.”
Love Avoidance
Core experience: “Intimacy will engulf me; I’ll lose myself.”
Strategies: Control, criticism, cool detachment, or chronic busyness to keep loved ones at arm’s length.
Core wound: Enmeshment, violation of boundaries, or parentification, leading to beliefs like “Closeness is dangerous; I must self-protect.”
How They Dance Together
Love addicts and love avoidants often attract each other. The love addict pursues the avoidant, who distances, which confirms the addict’s abandonment fear and triggers the avoidant’s engulfment fear. Rinse and repeat. This is the classic pursue-withdraw loop familiar to many couples therapists.
The Deeper Drivers: Attachment, Nervous System, and Core Beliefs
To change the pattern, we have to understand its engines:
Attachment Imprints
Early experiences calibrate expectations: “Others are responsive” vs. “Others disappear” vs. “Others intrude.”
Love addiction often reflects anxious attachment.
Love avoidance often mirrors dismissive/avoidant patterns.
Many clients carry disorganized attachment when there’s both fear and longing in close relationships.
Nervous System Learning
The body stores what relationships taught.
Love addict body: hyper-arousal in absence—racing thoughts, stomach drops, urgency to “fix it now.”
Love avoidant body: hyper-arousal in closeness—tight chest, irritability, a drive to bolt or numb.
Core Negative Cognitions (CNCs)
Internalized meanings like:
“I am not enough / I’m too much.”
“I will be abandoned.”
“Love will smother me.”
“My needs are a burden.”
Why White-Knuckling Doesn’t Work for Long
Behavioral limits are valuable—e.g., no late-night texting, 90-day no-contact after a breakup, sober dating. But without processing the root memories and body cues, white-knuckling becomes a fight against one’s own nervous system.
This is exactly where EMDR therapy shines.
EMDR 101 for Codependency and Love Addiction
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is a phase-based trauma therapy grounded in the Adaptive Information Processing (AIP) model. In simple terms: your brain and body are built to heal, but traumatic/overwhelming experiences can get maladaptively stored. Bilateral stimulation (eye movements, taps, or tones) helps the brain reprocess those memories so what was stuck can be integrated and updated.
The 8 Phases (briefly):
History & Treatment Planning
Preparation
Assessment
Desensitization
Installation
Body Scan
Closure
Reevaluation
What We Target in EMDR for Love Addiction & Codependency
Developmental/Attachment Memories
Relational “Installations” that Keep the Hook Alive
Core Beliefs and Parts
Triggers and Urges (Addictive Loop)
Future Templates (Relapse Prevention)
What EMDR Feels Like in Practice
Clients often say EMDR feels like watching a movie of the past while their body finally gets a chance to finish a response that was interrupted.
After reprocessing, many report:
Less obsessive thinking about the partner/ex
Wider window of tolerance during conflict or silence
Natural self-respect boundaries
Reduced panic during separations or closeness
Clearer perception of partners and relationships
Why EMDR Helps When Talk Alone Hasn’t
Talk insight is crucial, but the body keeps the score. EMDR works where clients feel “stuck” because it updates the memory network itself.
A Sample EMDR-Informed Treatment Map
Assessment & Education
Stabilization (2–6+ sessions)
Target Sequencing
Reprocessing Rounds
Future Templates & Relapse Prevention
Integration
EMDR + Community Recovery
Pairing EMDR with 12-step or peer recovery communities provides both nervous-system relief and accountability.
Practical Tools While You Heal
“If I had self-esteem right now…” prompt
Body anchors before behavior
One clear boundary at a time
Green flags list
Secure attachment reps
Common Questions (FAQ)
Is EMDR only for “big T” trauma? No.
Will EMDR erase my memories? No.
What if I have both addict and avoidant patterns? Many do.
How long does it take? Varies—paced to your nervous system.
Can we work on a current relationship? Yes.
Signs You’re Healing
You notice red flags earlier—and act on them.
The urge to chase softens.
You can receive care without suspicion.
Your decisions align with values, not panic.
You feel at home in your body more often.
A Compassionate Reframe
If you relate to love addiction or codependency, you’re not “too needy” or “too cold.” You learned—brilliantly—to adapt to the love that was available. Healing asks not for self-rejection but for self-reparenting.
Ready to Begin?
If you’re seeking trauma or EMDR counseling in Denver that addresses codependency and love addiction at the root, reach out to Denver Wellness Counseling. Our therapists are trained in EMDR, parts-work, and attachment resourcing to support your path toward healing.
References
Mellody, P. (2003). Facing Codependence. HarperOne.
Mellody, P. (2004). Facing Love Addiction. HarperOne.
Gilbert, E. (2025). All the Way to the River. Riverhead Books.
Modern Love Podcast. (2016, August 10). You Think You Know Elizabeth Gilbert [Audio podcast]. The New York Times & WBUR.
