Premarital Counseling: Why Should We?
By Kara Tritschler, MFTC, EMDR Therapist | Denver Wellness Counseling
Often times we see couples come into therapy once things have gotten to a place that feels overwhelming and the relationship seems broken in some way. During the process we look back in hindsight recognizing areas that we could have headed things off sooner had there been clearer understanding, better communications, and deeper conversations on important topics. Here is where premarital counseling comes in! Often times the rose colored glasses of love or the ease of complacency propels us to move forward in a relationship without discussing our core values, priorities, individual needs, or how we each see the roles we are entering in to (to name a few!). We tend to think the best of our partners, make assumptions based on our own lens, and/or hold expectations or hopes of changes in some way. In premarital counseling we can head off the potential larger conflicts in life by diving in to these deeper conversations as well as developing skills to engage in conflict and negotiation preemptively.
What Should I Expect in Premarital Counseling?
Premarital counseling is an opportunity to explore not only our relationship but ourselves within that relationship. At The Marriage and Family Clinic the approach is to gain insight of self as well as our partner while exploring heavy topics. In partnership, there is not a right or wrong way to engage in coupledom. Yet there is a need for alignment in the partnership. To have an understanding and acceptance of self and one another in order to develop collaborative expectations, boundaries, and negotiations moving forward. How do I, you, and we feel about children, religion, money, sex, and so on. Rather than making assumptions or holding unexpressed expectations, let's talk it out!
"Pre-marital counseling is the smartest decision that any couple can make, and you don't need to be religious to try it. No matter how cohesive a couple may be, problems inevitable arise, so pre-marital counseling really functions like the best insurance policy a couple could ever purchase." ~ Seth Meyers, Psy.D.
Areas to Discuss Before 'I Do'
Personality Typing and Assessment
Utilizing a personality typology is a great way to gain insight to personal motivations, inner wounds, engagement in and with the world, and more. With personality assessment and discussion we can begin to more fully understand not only where our partner is coming from in their expression and way of viewing the world, but our own! In this we can formulate better understandings of expectations we can reasonably hold of our partner as well as learn to speak in to their needs and vise versa.
Attachment History
Attachment is a look at the influences around us and how that has informed our view of relationships. This comes not only from the people who raised us but also our cultural backgrounds and influential experiences. From an early age, our experiences form how we give and receive love, engage in conflict, and view the world. In exploring this area with our partner we can discover areas of potential disagreement or conflict in order to preemptively address or acknowledge them.
The Heavy Hitters: Religion, Money, Family, Roles, Intimacy, and Sex
In good premarital counseling we should be diving in to the big topics that most often lead to marital issues down the road. How do we each believe or engage in these topics? When we avoid a topic (or assume our partner is on the same page on it) then we leave the possibility of conflict, resentment, or regret to creep in.
In each of these six areas it is important to have an understanding of one another's views and the value and priority each holds in our lives. How do we want to engage in financial matters? Do we want kids? Do I, and am I hoping you change your mind? Who wants to take on what role in the home and relationship? How do we want to negotiate changes in these roles? How do I feel loved and connected to my partner? What do I want from our sex life? Do I place work as a higher priority than leisure, do you? These are all just a few of the questions we should ask ourselves and discuss with our partner as we enter into marriage.
Tools and Skills for Communication and Conflict Resolution
Just like any good skill or tool, we have to learn which one will do the job for us. Meaning, I can't take a pair of scissors to do the job of an axe and vise versa. In relationships, we come with our own set of tools for better or worse. Discussing with each other how we perceive conflict is a great way to head off miscues and misunderstandings. Further, it is important to identify areas in which we need help or understanding from our partner as well as areas of personal growth. Good communication is a skill that is not only learned, but honed.
The Intention of Success
Counseling as a couple at any time is an investment in the health and longevity of your relationship! Just as we seek other professionals for our personal health, financial stability, or personal growth, premarital counseling is a beneficial avenue for relational stability, growth, and health.
"Behind every great relationship are difficult and uncomfortable conversations we rarely get to see. Great relationships don't just fall into our laps. They require people to move through their fears and insecurities and do the hard work to move wounds into healing." ~ Vienna Pharaon
